Death and the Uchiha
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Summary: Why doesn't Sasuke have any romantic interest in the girls of Konoha? Simple. He's in love... and has been in love since his family died... [COMPLETE!]
1. Chapter 1

Death and the Uchiha

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: I don't own, you don't sue. It's easier for both of us that way…

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Young Uchiha Sasuke starred around him at the bloody mess that was the Uchiha compound. All was silent. Nothing had been disturbed yet after Itachi's little spree. The Uchiha compound, for the first time Sasuke could remember, was almost absolutely empty. Empty and silent.

Sasuke blinked.

No, not _quite_ silent….

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There's a routine hidden somewhere in Konoha. It goes something like this:

"Sasuke-kun, can we go on a date?"

"No."

The speaker of the first part is ever changing, although the current holder of the title of the one who says it the most belongs to a pink-haired kunoichi, with a blonde flower-girl coming a close second.

The speaker of the second part, however, is always the same: a dark-eyed, dark-haired boy who was lipstick and eye-shadow away from being Goth, that's how dark he was.

His penchant for constantly, unerringly rejecting the advances of the fairer sex is so well-known in Konoha that some hopefuls of the less fair sex have begun to hope he was like them, but every time _they_ asked, they got the same response. Sometimes accompanied by a left hook if they were being pushy.

No one knows why. All anyone does know is that, after the so-called Uchiha massacre, the youngest survivor of the clan was never interested in girls- or boys- ever again…

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"Sasuke-" Haruno Sakura began.

"No," the dark-haired boy said.

"But you don't even know what I was going to say!"

"If it wasn't some variation of 'can we go on a date', 'walk me home' or 'can we train together', I'd be very surprised," Sasuke said dryly.

"You're mean, Sasuke-kun…"

Sasuke didn't reply. Instead, he kept on walking home, his heart pounding with anticipation. Would _she_ come over today? Her visits weren't daily, but they were often and unpredictable enough to always leave him excited and expectant when he came home.

Arriving at his apartment, he took a quick look around, assuring that no fangirls had decided to follow him. They knew where he lived, but that was it. They hadn't been able to break in after he'd changed the locks.

Opening the door, he smiled, heart pounding faster and at the same time going light as he listened to the sounds of someone puttering around in his kitchen, of the smell of someone's perfume in the air. No, not really a perfume. It was her scent. Yes, that's what it was, her scent.

Heading towards the kitchen door he stopped and leaned against the door jab, a smile on his lips. She was beautiful. She was always beautiful, whenever she came to him, and he wasn't sure if it was for his benefit or if it came naturally to her.

She looked twelve. That didn't mean much. Last year she had looked eleven, and the year before that she'd looked ten. Either way, she always looked beautiful. Her skin was pale as snow, her hair was darker than a starless night. Today she was wearing a cute black sailor suit with a _really_ mini skirt. It was all Sasuke could do not to try and take a peek.

"You just going to stand there, or are you going to help me make supper?" she said teasingly, not turning to look at him. He could hear the smile in her voice.

Moving away from the door, he hugged her from behind, kissing the back of her neck. "I'd just be in the way," he whispered, breathing into her ear, feeling as a shiver ran through her body. "You don't have to cook for me, you know. I've told you that."

"I know," she said airily, still cooking. "But I want to, silly! I've told _you_ that."

"You're too good to me," he said, nuzzling her neck, which she helpfully bared for his attentions.

"Only because I love you, Sasuke-kun," she said. _He_ shivered.

Taking her hands off the utensils, he turned her around, capturing her lips in his own, leaving dinner to take care of itself…

The food was still good, in case you were wondering.

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The two lay on Sasuke's narrow bed, him trying not to fall off. She always got the side against the wall, but seldom made use of that fact. Never, really. She'd much rather cuddle. After almost four years of sleeping like this, he wouldn't have it any other way.

"So, how was your day?" she asked, lying on his bare chest. He usually wore something else to bed besides his boxers, but it hot that night, and even she had agreed he'd fry if he wore pajamas. The thought of not using the blanket never crossed their minds. They _liked_ their blanket. It was… cozy.

"Same old, same old," he said, taking in the scent of her hair. Funeral roses. She always smelled like funeral roses. His arm wrapped casually around her waist. Despite the heat, _she_ hadn't gotten out of her black nightgown. The fabric was so thin and so soft you'd think you'd be able to see though it, but that wasn't the case. She seldom took it off, although for special occasions- _really_ special occasions, like his birthday, or holidays, or some days when he was just really, _really _lucky- he'd managed to convince her to ditch the thing and sleep in her underwear. During those times, he was surprised he got any sleep! "You?"

"Oh, you know, someone here, someone there," she said vaguely, waving her hand in a disinterested manner. Sasuke idly noted the direction she waved. Looks like there'd be one more body in the hospital morgue. "So seen any pretty girls lately?"

Her tone was teasing. She liked to tease him. It was one of her favorite things to do, besides collecting floppy hats.

He shrugged, feigning a nonchalant tone. "Well, that Haruno girl's been around lately. She's been offering to come up and check out my place…" he said, trailing off suggestively.

She raised an eyebrow, waiting.

"I told her to take a hike."

She giggled, shaking her head. "You really shouldn't lead those girls on," she said, tracing a finger across his sternum. Putting on a prim tone, she added, "It's just not proper."

"Aw, you know me," he drawled. "I don't like to be tied down to any one girl."

She mock pouted, which lasted all of a second as the two of them broke into giggles. He liked being tied down to one girl, and both of them knew it.

Getting her giggles in check, she cuddled closer, resting her cheek on the crook of his neck. "Alright, enough talk. _You_ have to go to sleep, young man! It's a big day tommorow."

"Yes, ma'm," he said, sounding like a boy talking to his mother.

Giggling all over again, she kissed him on the cheek before putting her head right back where it was before. "Good night, Sasuke-kun," she said cheerily, if quietly.

Sighing, he put his other arm around her, pulling her closer. She didn't resist. Taking in the scent of her hair again- _definitely_ funeral roses- he kissed her brow. "Good night… Death."

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She was gone by the time he woke up. He found himself cuddling against one of his pillows. He didn't doubt she'd been there, though- the smell of roses still filled the room…

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A/N: I've been meaning to use her for some time now…

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Because people seemed to expect a sequel…

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Death and the Uchiha

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: I don't own, please don't sue. Yes, this _is_ Gaiman's Death. Imagine either the Bachalo version or the Jill Thompson version, although I prefer the latter.

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"Sasuke, do you have a death wish?" Kakashi asked idly as Sasuke returned from catching Naruto just before the blond fell off the waterfall.

A strange look crossed the Uchiha's face. "Why do you say that, sensei?"

"Well, there's this, and then that time you nearly got yourself killed by that kid in Wave Country, and before that, there were the Demon Brothers…"

Sasuke's lip twitched. "And if I said I did?"

Kakashi shrugged.

"Sasuke-kun-"

"NO!"

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"_Who are you?" Sasuke asked the strange woman who was nonchalantly seated on top of the wall, writing on a scroll and humming to herself._

_The woman blinked. "Oh! I didn't think there'd be anyone here! I hope I'm not disturbing you."_

"_Why are you here?"_

"_I'm here because it's my job."_

"_Your job?"_

"_Oh, silly me, I forgot to introduce myself. I am Death…"_

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Sasuke was waiting for the opportunity to ditch his team so he could head home and see if _she_ was there when he heard a voice call out his name. Normally, he'd just ignore such a call, but not this time. This time, his head turned so fast in the direction it came from, there was an audible cracking sound. Naruto and Kakashi winced in sympathy, and Sakura blinked. He didn't care.

A girl was walking towards them, waving as she strode. She wore black, as usual. This time it was a black shirt similar to his, except a little tighter, especially around the chest, and black pants, also similar to his, also tighter. Black bandages wound around her calves, and black hose-like leather accessories wound around her arms. Very much like his. The only thing she lack was the forehead protector and the _kunai _and _shuriken _pouch and holster. Around her neck was the silver ankh.

"Hey, Sasuke-kun," she said casually, kissing him on the cheek.

Sakura's jaw dropped all the way to the ground.

"What are you doing here?" he said in surprise, completely missing the looks his teammates had on.

She smiled her dazzling smile, and said, "Oh, I wanted to see if we could have lunch. Um, aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?"

Sasuke blinked, reality slamming back into his mind, as he realized his image was probably on it's way to being completely blown. Surprisingly, he didn't care as much as he thought he would. Taking one single breath, he turned towards his team mates, seeing their expressions for the first time. Kakashi's visible eye was obviously boggling, Naruto had on that _look_ of his, and Sakura… looked like her hopes and dreams had been completely crushed.

Which it all nearly had. Nearly. It was a hair away from being completely.

Sasuke cleared his throat, shot a look at _her_ out of the corner of his eye, and decided he really didn't care about the image. "Dee, this is Kakashi-sensei, and my teammates Uzuamki Naruto and Haruno Sakura. Minna, this is-"

"Telute," she broke in, before Sasuke could even pause to wonder how he should introduce her. "It's great to finally meet all of you! Sas' been telling me about you guys!"

"'Sas'?" Sakura repeated, her eyebrow twitching, a vein on her forehead throbbing.

"Hey, I know!" Death-but-now-called-Telute said, clapping her hands before her and not seeming to notice Sakura's reaction. "Why don't we all have lunch together! Sasuke's treat!"

"Wha-?" Sasuke managed to get out, just before being dragged by his arm in the general direction of some restaurant.

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Sasuke paled when he saw where Telute had dragged him to. Well, pale-r. The only way he could get any worse was if he took on _her_ skin tone. "Please tell me we're not going in there?" he pleaded.

"Why not?" Telute asked.

Sasuke felt like squirming. "That's where my _fangirls_ hang out for lunch!" he hissed.

"So?" Telute asked cheerily, dragging him inside, an amused Kakashi, a stunned-and-in-shock Sakura and a… Naruto-y Naruto trailing behind.

Sasuke nearly turned around and ran away screaming when he saw every major fangirl of his had decided to have lunch there at that exact moment. Even _Ino_ was there.

Her touched made him stay however. Her had holding on to his, cool against his flesh. How did she _do_ that?

Telute led him to a table in the center of the restaurant. Sasuke tried to quash the urge to look around. Fangirls, fangirls _everywhere_! There was no escape! He'd be spotted from every direction if he tried to bolt…!

The hand on his. He calmed down? Why would he bolt? He was exactly where he wanted to be. With _her_…

He heard the whispering, curious, suspicious and outraged, wondering who _she_ was, wondering what _she_ was doing holding his hand. Fools. _She_ was the only one with any _right_ to…! _She_ was the only one he wanted to hold…

After they ordered, Ino seemingly appeared out of nowhere, walking up to Sakura. "Hey, forehead-girl, who's your friend?"

Sakura just blinked, not fully recovered yet.

"Oh, I'm Sasuke's fiancé," Telute said.

A silence fell over the whole restaurant, broken as many classes were broken under the suddenly crushing grips of many kunoichi.

Sasuke blinked, suddenly feeling light-headed. "You are?" he said.

She turned to him, pouting. "Unless you don't want me to be?" she said, her lower lip quivering.

In public, in broad daylight, in full view of the majority of his most rabid fangirls, who would gladly walk a mile through lava barefoot to please him, Sasuke grabbed Telute and kissed her.

"I think he's okay with it," Kakashi said as every girl in the immediate vicinity fainted, choked, broke into hysterics, puked and/or broke more stuff, not necessarily in that order.

"When's the food going to get here?" Naruto asked, wondering why girls were acting weirder than usual around Sasuke. Hmm, must be a girl thing.

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In fifteen minutes, the news that Uchiha Sasuke had a fiancé had spread to every corner of Konoha. Three days later, word had spread through the whole country. By the end of the week, the whole known _world_ knew.

Eight days later, Akatsuki was nearly eradicated, as Uchiha Itachi forcefully convinced his associates to stop teasing him. He would have a word with Sasuke. Missing-nin or not, he was still head of the family, after all! It was up to _him_ whether or not a clan member got married!

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Orochimaru decided to up his plans. If the brat was getting married… this didn't bode well.

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The Collective Sasuke Fangirls of Konoha ™ all twitched as Sauke and Death- well, just Sasuke, really- Sasuke finally came up for air. "When?" was all he said.

"When you're an adult."

He tapped his forehead protector.

"Oh, yeah. How soon do you want to get married?"

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A/N: The Shinigami is either an 'incarnation' of Death, or one of her secretaries/assistants. I do not want it to be Death herself. That would be too gross.

I always wanted to call Sasuke 'Sas'.

I do not to make this into an 'epic'. C-A-T-H-A-R-S-I-S!

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: repercussions…

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Death and the Uchiha

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: I don't own, you don't sue. Please?

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In a dark room, filled with moody lighting and the scent of too many different clashing kinds of perfume, a council of war sat and plotted.

"Alright!" their leader, a dark form with long hair, said. "Most of you were there. The rest have heard. Some witch has used a _kinjutsu _on our beloved Sasuke to convince him to marry her. This is completely unacceptable! I propose we declare war!"

"HEAR, HEAR!" was the unanimous reply.

"Wouldn't do that, if I were you," a voice said.

Everyone looked towards the speaker, a bishounen-looking person in a white suit holding a heart-shaped lighter.

"And why ever not?" the leader asked loudly.

"Because then you'd be messing with my sister," the bishi said. "Which no one is supposed to do."

"What do we care?" a random fangirl in the shadows yelled.

The bishi smiled sinisterly. "I am Desire," the bishi declared. "And if you try to mess with my sister _or_ her boyfriend, I guarantee no guy or girl in the world will look at any of you ever again!"

There was dead silence.

"NO!" the leader yelled, steeping into the light and revealing herself to be Ino. "You can't threaten us! We will get Sasuke back whatever it takes!"

"Yeah!" Sakura said, coming to her friend's side.

The bishi- Desire- smiled slyly. "You two deserve each other," it said cryptically.

Desire turned back to look at the group of girls. "You've been warned. Stay away or else."

The bishi was gone.

Ino sniffed and turned, about to flick off Sakura when their eyes met.

There was a heart-beat long pause.

"Sakura," Ino said slowly, "have I ever told you how sexy you look?"

"Shut up and kiss me," Sakura said, grabbing Ino and sticking her tongue in the other's mouth, her hands roaming the blonde's body, the blonde reciprocating in kind.

The rest of the room paled as they watched their two most die-hard members completely forgetting their idol and starting to make out on the floor.

"That Desire wasn't kidding," some random girl said, inching away from the wildly thrashing pair. "I think we _will_ loose all chance of getting any guy if we go through with this."

Another girl in the shadows coughed. "Fellow members, in light of this recent event," they all avoided looking at Sakura and Ino, who were getting pretty lime, and seemed to be moving towards lemon, "I move we activate our back up."

"I second the motion!" another said.

And thus, the Collective Sasuke Fangirls of Konoha ™ became the Collective Neji Fangirls of Konoha™. The Hyuuga boy never knew what hit him…

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Desire was walking along, having done it's part for their eldest sister, when it noticed a girl who hadn't been at the meeting. It blinked. _A girl who of her own free will is not pursuing sister's boyfriend? Okay, she deserves something._

"Hey," it called out, startling the white-eyed girl. "Why aren't you in the club meeting?"

The girl blushed. "I'm not really interested in Sasuke-san…" she trailed off, looking at a blond boy who was heading in away from a ramen stand.

Desire's eyes widened, then grinned. "Okay, just for that, you'll get your heart's desire," it said, and vanished.

Hinata blinked in confusion, then was startled as a voice she knew very well called out her name.

"Hinata-chan!" Naruto said as he approached her. Hinata nearly fainted when the blonde took her in his arms and swept her off her feet. "Hinata-chan, I'm madly in love with you. Say you'll be my girlfriend?"

Hinata fainted dead away. But not before saying yes.

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Somewhere else in Konoha…

Death and Sasuke were arm in arm, the latter nearly completely oblivious to the world around him. Thus, he missed the pointing, the wide-eyed stares of astonishment, and the money changing hands as people who'd been certain he'd die alone and a virgin paid up to people with more confidence in the Uchiha good looks.

"You sure you want to do it?" Sasuke asked Death, looking deep into her eyes, sinking into the dark pools of infinty…

She smiled brilliantly, surpassing the shine of Maito Gai's teeth without blinding her boyfriend- who was used to it- or scaring the living daylights out of everyone else. On _her_ it looked right and natural. "Absolutely, Sasuke-kun…" she said, her voice warm honey to his ears.

Nodding, Sasuke turned his dark gaze at the clerk behind the counter. "One karaoke booth, please!"

The counterman nodded nervously, handing over the key as Sasuke, with Death clinging to his arm in a casual but quite obvious 'we're together, so THERE!' manner, headed towards said booth. Any girl who could get Uchiha Sasuke to go on a date, much less get engaged, to her was a force to be reckoned with, probably well versed, possibly even a mistress, of mind-control _ninjutsu_ whose skills surpassed the Legendary Sannin.

A moment of thought, and the counterman flicked a couple of switches.

In a few minutes, the sounds of Uchiha Sasuke singing _My Heart Will Go On_ began to waft through the lobby.

Yup, the counterman thought as a lot of people were stunned with shock, definitely a force to be reckoned with. He began to make plans for the coming Apocalypse…

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Itachi was in such a bad mood that the whole Akatsuki decided to go with him to Konoha, just in case they had to stop him from burning the place to the ground and accidentally killing the Kyuubi vessel.

"Bloody Sasuke bloody getting bloody engaged to some bloody girl without bloody telling the bloody head of the bloody clan," Itachi muttered non-stop, as everyone else sweatdropped, wondering what his problem was. Wasn't he the one to kill his whole clan?

"Um, Itachi…" Kisame said quietly, raising his hand and about to point out Itachi was about to walk straight into a tree, when the Uchiha just crashed straight through it in a cloud of saw dust without so much as flinching.

Everyone else boggled as the normally impeccably groomed Itachi allowed himself to be sullied and decided to kept their mouths shut. Powerful ninja they may be, but they weren't stupid! Itachi mad because his brother had decided to get engaged without his permission was scary. Itachi mad over his looks being messed up… they hoped he didn't notice until he met with his brother, or else he might take it out on them…

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"If I may ask, Orochimaru-sama," Kabuto ventured, wondering why Orochimaru was so frantic over the Uchiha boy potentially getting married. "Why the rush? You can still use him as a vessel _after_ he's married."

Orochimaru pursed his lips, continuing to use his Etch-N-Sketch to map out the layout of Konoha. "His getting married will involve some legal and moral concerns I'd rather not deal with, Kabuto."

Kabuto's eyebrows made a run for his hairline. Morals? Since when did Orochimaru, the evil Legendary Sannin, about to destroy all of Konoha, worry about _morals_? "Um, could you please elaborate, Orochimaru-sama?"

Orochimaru turned to Kabuto, and there was such a sge-like expression on his face Kabuto wondered where the bastard who was supposed to be their leader was. The impression heightened when Orochimaru rasised a finger in a lecturing fashion. "Kabuto, whenever I take on a new body, I also take on all the legal matters attached to said body… AND I'LL BE DAMDED IF I END UP MARRIED TO A TWELVE YEAR OLD GIRL! I might be a sick, heartless, insane, amoral psycho, but I am not a perverted pedophile, thank you very much!"

Kabuto reigned in the urge to raise an eyebrow at the tirade. Ooooookkkkkaaaaaayyyyyyyy…………

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A/N: short, but I was feeling rather silly. Finally, a fic of mine with InoSaku and HinaNaru

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I felt I needed to end on a silly note…

The end for real, this time.

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Death and the Uchiha

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: I don't own, you don't sue.

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All across Konoha– and indeed, most of Fire Country– there was weeping, lamentation and tears as women of all ages shed tears in pure and abject sorrow. No, they were not weeping because of some great war. There was no large swath of destruction and blood. Few faces were dry, and nearly all of them were lesbians (_they _were partying).

Uchiha Sasuke was getting married that day.

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Sasuke and Death stood before the Hokage, about to pronounced married. Naruto stood next to him as his best man, while Sakura stood as Death's maid of honor. She kept making eyes at Ino, who'd somehow ended up a Bride's Maid along with Hinata. Sasuke didn't know how _that_ had happened, but he was grateful. It seemed only cosmic justice that his two biggest annoyances would wind up shacking up.

Anyway, the Hokage was about to finish the ceremony and declare the two of them husband and wife when…

The opposite doors to the hall where the ceremony was being held burst open. From one side, Itachi strode in, his clothes torn, leaves and twigs in his hair, dust and sawdust and his face, pain and the Mangekyou Sharingan in his eyes. Behind him slinked the oh-so-mighty Akatsuki, looking very embarrassed to be there. From the other side came Orochimaru, with Kimimaro and the Sound Four immediately behind him, and backed up by the most powerful shinobi in Otagakure. Next to him was Kabuto, disguised as an Ota-ANBU.

"SASUKE!" Itachi yelled.

"UCHIHA SASUKE!" Orochimaru yelled at the same time.

The two of them paused and looked at each other. "I WAS HERE FIRST!" the two missing-nin yelled at each other at the same time.

A silver-haired girl reading a think stack of fanfic printouts who was passing by said, "Jinx."

Harry Potter and Keroberos walked in and grabbed the girl, guiding her out of the scene. "Terribly sorry about this," Harry said. "Winter got lost and somehow ended up here. Terribly sorry."

The three walked out.

Everyone blinked, then pretended nothing happened.

"SASUKE!" Itachi yelled. "YOU ARE NOT GETTING MARRIED, YOU HEAR ME! AS HEAD OF THE CLAN, I FORBID IT!"

Before Sasuke could turn to glare at Itachi, Orochimaru said, "Uchiha Sasuke, I am kidnapping you so you can become my vessel! Now, are you going to come quietly, or must we use force?"

Death stepped forward, still smiling pleasantly. "I wouldn't advise that, Orochimaru," she said.

Orochimaru frowned. "Do I know you?"

Still smiling. "Yes. You do. We meet every time you are born again in a new vessel."

Orochimaru scrunched his face up in thought. "I don't…" then his eyes widened. "YOU!"

Nod, still smiling. "Me."

Orochimaru looked from her, to Sasuke and back again. "Your going to… with him… but… my perfect vessel…"

Still smiling. "Orochimaru, I am going to get you eventually. Whether it is now or later depends on whether you will leave my Sasuke-kun alone."

"But…but…but…" Orochimaru spluttered. "What about the Sharingan?"

Death shrugged. "Your problem. Just stay away from my husband."

Her eyes flicked significantly to the side.

Orochimaru threw up his hands and sighed, taking a sheet of paper out of one of the pockets of his dress. "Fine, fine," he muttered, crossing out Sasuke's name from the top of the list. "I'll make do." Above it, he scribbled the name 'Itachi'.

Nodding in satisfaction, he tucked the list back into his dress and suddenly pointed at Itachi, who'd just been standing there in confused rage and wondering what they'd been talking about. "THE MAN WHO GETS ME ITACHI'S BODY ALIVE GETS THE KAGE-SHIP OF OTAGAKURE! IF YOU CAN'T DO THAT, JUST GET ME HIS EYES!"

Itachi blinked in confusion, before his precious eyes widened and he turned around screaming, followed by a hoard of assorted ninja, not all of them from Ota.

Orochimaru bowed respectfully to Death, then, surprisingly, to Sasuke. "Terribly sorry about this. If you'll excuse me, allow me to try to at least to see to it that Itachi ceases to be a nuisance. As a wedding present and an apology." One final bow to the Hokage and the other shinobi who'd stayed behind, which somehow miraculously included Jiraiya and Tsunade. "Sensei, Slug-head, Frog-breath. See you at the Academy reunion in two months. I'll bring along one of my world-famous cakes."

With that, he turned, yelling "WAIT FOR ME!" and waving a _kunai_ around.

Everyone blinked. They turned to the assembled members of Akatsuki, who were all trying to sneak out and pretend they had absolutely nothing to do with Itachi.

Kisame grinned sickly. "Don't mind us, we were just leaving."

Everyone shrugged, and the bride and groom turned back to the Hokage. "By the power invested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."

Sasuke did. Thoroughly.

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And they all started living happily ever after.

That night, Ino and Sakura got really drunk, did a public striptease on a table during the reception, and ended up in bed together with bad hangovers. They got married within a year, and have been living together since. They used some funky medical _jutsu _to get each other pregnant with their own DNA and ended up with a boy and a girl. Their parents have no problems with it, and their kids eventually became ninjas like them.

Naruto and Hinata skipped out on the reception, and it took Naruto all of one lewd suggestion for Hinata to jump his bones. Naruto found he needed the Kyuubi's energy to meet Hinata's needs, which were considerable given she'd been sexually repressed for the past twelve years. They got married, destroyed the Main House/Branch House System, and had lots of children. Naruto became Hokage, Hinata became insatiable and developed a thing about having him use Kage Bunshin. It was a wonder he ever got any work done.

Neji started developing white hairs from all the fangirls now stalking him. Unfortunately, the girls considered this 'sexy like Kakashi'. He eventually married Tenten, and while he wasn't anywhere close to being as nymphomanic as his cousin, Tenten found herself more worn out in the mornings then she did after their _taijutsu_ sparring sessions. Not that she minded.

Shikamaru went on to become a chess champion, eventually met and beat Mutou Yugi and got declared the King Of Games. He hooked up with Ishtar Ishuzu and had lots of lazy, mysterious children.

Chouji ate.

Lee met Ranma Saotome, and together, the two disappeared looking for… something.

Kakashi revealed he wore a mask because he didn't like brushing his teeth. This explained why he always read _Icha Icha Paradise_, as he couldn't get laid if he tried.

Orochimaru eventually came to the Academy reunion bearing one of his world-famous cakes and wearing his new Itachi-vessel. He was then made to promise not to start any world wars by the new Lady Uchiha. Since he couldn't get his power dream, he moved to his back-up. **Oro-kun Cakes** became a household word as he fulfilled his dream of being the world's greatest baker. He and Willy Wonka began a friendly rivalry over who could give more people diabetes and bad teeth.

Akatsuki decided they had better things to do with their time and organized the first 'Miss Shinobi' Beauty Pageants. All eight were disqualified when they tried to enter.

As for Death and Sasuke, they lived happily ever after…

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Destiny closed The Book, to sounds of regret from his nieces and nephews. He smiled. Ever since Death had gotten pregnant, things had been looking up for the usually dysfunctional Endless. Desire had become a doting aunt/uncle, Despair had started putting some clothes on (to everyone's relief), Delirium had reverted back to Delight from all the happy vibes in the air, and best of all, Destruction had come back, now having something fun to do in his role as 'cool uncle'.

"It is late, children," Destiny said. "You must sleep."

"But we don't wanna!" Darkness, the eldest, said, his Deathless brothers and sisters echoing.

"You must," Destiny said. "You are supposed to visit you uncle Dream in his palace tonight. He would be very upset if you didn't come."

"And tomorrow is Daydream's chuunin exam," Demise, the youngest, reminded them. She was the only one still used to having a bed time.

"EEP! I forgot!" Daydream spazzed, rushing to her feet, her pure-white eyes momentarily shifting to Sharingan-mode as she went to check all her gear, looking unreal against her pure black skin and hair.

Discovery shrugged, following after it's twin to make sure she didn't trash their room.

One by one, the Deathless, and children of Sasuke, made their way towards their rooms. Dusk made the sun set, and Dawn set her alarm clock to she could make the sun rise. Day finished off the last of the Oro-kun brownies as he cleaned up after his siblings, muttering about things not being like this when he got his own realm.

Sasuke greeted his wife with a loving kiss as he came home. He'd taken a desk job, since active duty meant he'd have to kill, and he didn't want to add to his wife's workload. "So, is the surprise ready?" he asked as the two went upstairs to their room.

Death nodded. "It took some looking, but Lucien managed to find the plans for 'The Greatest Theme Park Never Made' somewhere in the library. Dream should be finished working on it by tomorrow. How are things on your end?"

Sasuke smiled. "Good. Hinata, Ino and Tenten are letting the kids come along to celebrate the end of the chuunin exams. They'll all be there."

"Good," Death said, smiling brightly. "This is going to be so much fun."

Sasuke didn't answer, instead starting to nuzzle the sides of Death's neck. Death moved into the movement, and soon where giving Hinata and Naruto a run for their money…

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**The End. Seriously.**

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A/N: the end of a really silly fic.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


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